Chocolate And The Ruination Of Man/Womankind.

I don't think anyone should be sent to Rwanda against their will..........except advertisers!

I have long railed against these reptiles and every day they come up with fresh examples of why they should be minibused to Heathrow.

My latest fave is an advert for Aerial Platinum washing liquid. Our heroine in this one is some pre-pubescent girl who has a party to go to so rushes out to buy a new outfit for the occasion. Unfortunately, this dumb klutz gets the clothes home only to spill chocolate milkshake on her top.

Oh no! Horror! The consequences are almost too terrible to think about! Luckily, Aerial Platinum is to hand and having washed said top in it (or more likely having got mummy to wash it) the stain is gone and the outfit is once again in party condition.

A thrilling story which has you gripped at every turn. A bit like the detergent version of Psycho or Jaws. But the knuckle-draggers behind the advert aren't happy with just leaving you dizzy with this tale of extraordinary folk. They want you to know precisely what the washing liquid has done.

"She's able to live her best life again," the advert sings.

Really? Her "best life" depends on the cleanliness of her shirt? Not intelligence, not financial security, not the enveloping succour of loved ones?

Nope, sorry, it's down to washing a chocolate stain out of her shirt! What next? She breaks a nail and so hangs herself from the nearest bridge? Her hairdresser gives her an unsatisfactory cut so she goes on a gun rampage? Maybe she'll become a suicide bomber when she finds out that her nose is likely to run in the winter?

God alone knows what it will take her to truly live "her best life again" when she's saddled with a crippling mortgage, marries someone who turns out not to be Prince Charming and holds her head under the duvet when he farts in bed or she realises her "best life" is likely to be waking to find the dog has NOT shat on her pillow and her pants are skid mark free.

Advertisers and advertising? The biggest genital wart on the pox riddled penis of our existence. Get rid of them NOW so we can all live our best lives.

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