Gold Rush.

 

Where's all this bloody gold coming from? We came off the Gold Standard in 1931 when the powers that be worked out we hadn't got enough to back the printing of loads of cash, which of course was a must! Our stockpile must surely have been nibbled at since? So why is seemingly every other advert on the box trying to flog gold sovereigns? Who's got all this gold?

The Royal Family is the primary subject of this cash for gold scheme. Michael Buerk has been chosen as the frontman for the operation - honest, respected, honourable - but they'd hardly put up Trump, Johnson or the Suffolk Strangler in the hope they'd give the sell-off any credibility.

I've got a theory. Only a theory, mind, nothing concrete, but where would there be a load of gold which "people" were anxious to get shot of? The words Brinks and Mat come to mind. Well, only about half of the £26 million worth of bullion nicked in 1983 was ever recovered so why not? So, without prejudice obviously, I put my idea in an e-mail to an organisation said to be involved in the sales campaign - k.noye@costadelsol.com - but I have yet to receive a reply.

Doubtless it seemed like a good idea in the beginning. For instance, we got a sovereign to mark the death of Queen Elizabeth II. A major cut in the social security bill. Then another coin went on offer to mark the coronation of King Charles III. I mean, who wouldn't want to mark the inauguration of another fucking parasite we've all got to shell out for with our hard earned to keep him in ermine, quails' eggs and hot and cold running servants in return for a coin not even your corner shop would accept? What's not to like?

Things soon started slipping a bit, however. We had a coin to mark Chaz's 75th birthday. Really? Then another depicting "the only full-length image" of a monarch. Oh, perleeaase! Desperation then set in with my particular favourite - the only portrayal of a king's head facing right!! Fuck me sideways! What next? The only depiction of a reigning monarch having a shit? A unique gold sovereign bearing an image of Prince Harry dressed up as a Nazi?

If I'm missing something here then please let me know and all you royalists out there......I'm going on holiday for a bit.