Saturday Night Really Is All Right For Fighting.

Why, oh why, oh why do programme makers assume that people left at home on Saturday nights are knuckle-dragging Neanderthals with the intelligence of a thrre-pin plug? Ok, a lot of them are, but that's not the point.

While millions of our compatriots get ABSOLUTELY blind pisssed BEFORE heading out on the town to start fights in pubs, shag in bus shelters, throw up in taxis and head to casualty with a range of facial wounds, some of us poor bastards are left at home to make our own entertainment.

For those of us who don't have a fucking piano or an interest in charades, Trivial Persuit, pass-the-bastard-parcel or pin-the-bleeding-tail-on-the-sodding-donkey.........or any fucking friends.........there is just one recourse to time-passing - the Devil's Lantern.

Sadly, the TV programmers have decided to cater for those out causing alcohol-fuelled mayhem and not those left behind.

Pither finds himself one of the "left-behinders" on this Saturday night and the television offerings make grim reading:

1. Strictly Come Dancing - The Final (Final what? Straw?).

2. The Voice. (Pub singers trying to bedeck their houses with onyx ashtrays and framed photos of Michael Buble).

3. Nativity Rocks. (Yo! Get down Joseph baby! Skake that thang, Mary. WTF!)

4. A Very Royal Christmas - Sandringham Secrets (The key secret being "they" haven't decided which of their/OUR luxury pads they are going to descend on for Christmas but all of them will make our place look like Fred West's basement).

Fuck it! Time for charades with the dogs.